It was the night before Christmas, and all were asleep,
but not your poor husband he’s out on the street.
He’s left it too late and now there’ll be trouble,
around shopping malls he’ll have to hustle.
There he walks, eyes red and blurry,
looking for jewellery, perhaps something furry.
It’s been a long year, he thought he had time,
but now it’s his turn, out on the line.
The maddening crowds and full Christmas trolleys,
he’ll have to wait for relaxed Christmas folly.
Spending more than he’d care to know,
that savings account will have to go.
In twenty-four hours it will all be done,
until next year for more Christmas fun.
As a man this scenario rings all too familiar. I have had this play out, and as the husband of a blogger I really have no excuse unfortunately. As I wrote before, I get a wish list and regular updates about things my other half desires.
Well, as I write this it is already the twelfth of December, and panic hasn’t yet set in, but I will leave it until the twenty third and not break tradition. With the year, firmly in my rear-view mirror, and the thought of the approaching madness in my sights, what better time to give a few of my insights into dealing with the silly season.
GET A PARKING! Don’t swan about thinking you’ll crack it lucky…. YOU WONT!
Park where there is a space and just walk. Be ruthless – if you spotted it, its yours! Sorry Granny Mildred, ordinarily I would happily give way and let you take my spot, but not right now, it’s Christmas madness and I think it’s about time you put that shiny new hip to the test.
Don’t be shy to ask for directions
I don’t know about other men, but I have ZERO idea where I’m going in a mall. I am certain that malls are designed to confuse and disorient men. These buildings are deliberately constructed to ensnare the hapless man. If you are not careful your planned outing will turn into a field trip to Guantanamo Bay.
Consult the info desk and locate the shops you intend to visit for a speedy in and out trip, or else condemn yourself to an endless journey all accented by the melodious sounds of Boney M.
Don’t get side tracked
We all remember the story of Hansel and Gretel, and just like poor Hansel, you have every chance of getting pulled into a shop on your way to your desired destination. The tricksters will lure you in with the promise of savings and special offers.
DON’T DO IT! Before you realise, you will be laden with gift packs and trinkets which you are assured your partner will love. She will not.
Often the shop will offer a gift wrapping service. Take it! Trust me get it done then and there.
I don’t know how my wife does it, but I cannot wrap ANYTHING. The last thing I want is my significant other receiving abstract origami that looks as if I had a seizure whilst holding sticky tape and paper. Leave it to the professionals, you will thank me in the end.
After you have just ploughed your way through the droves of people, dodged, ducked and fought your way to the exit, only to discover that you forgot to get change for the machine in the car park.
So, close yet so far, once more into the fray… the cruel mistress that is the mall will not release you yet. Once you have your change and have paid for your ticket, dash to your vehicle and get out – do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.